These are the days.

  Many of you probably opened this expecting to read we were expecting.  While that's not the case, I hope you'll stick around to hear what I have to share.  It is not with excitement or great news that I spill out my heart to you... but with a slightly nauseous stomach and a convicted heart. Sometimes in the blogging world, we as writers have the ability to make life seem perfect and wait for every story to pan out like a good ole fashioned classic. To you my reader, I want you to know that I try to be as real and transparent as possible. Every time I write I give a piece of me to you... out there for you to have. This time it's harder than before.    We were only just engaged when the questions began and though they progressively changed from season to season, they were all asking the same thing... Do you plan to have kids right away? When are you going to have babies? Are you trying? Thinking about kids anytime soon? Are you pregnant yet? You're glowing! Is there something I don't know?  Soooo... why aren't you all pregnant yet? You all will be awesome parents, think it'll be soon? Is there a baby on the agenda? Have you tried ..... (fill in anything successful for someone's great aunts cousin twice removed)? Are you trying too hard? Do you want it too bad? Don't you know it always happens when you least expect it? Have you prayed about it?  Are you letting this consume your marriage?    Okay so some of these were funny ... but all actually reality for us in the past year since engagement. I don't get mad when people ask. I know that they just want us to bring some babies into this world. I know that they're curious and the heart behind it is good. Before answering all the questions let me give you a little back story....    Before Husband and I ever got engaged we had "the talk." The one I had been almost dreading. The one that I knew could make .....or break. Somehow having a family came up as we sat on a little bridge that evening, and I knew it was time to share my conviction. I explained to him that after being deceived by many doctors and doing the research for myself I had decided I didn't want to use birth control. I actually felt God had placed on my heart to have as many kids as He desired.    I didn't have to hold my breath for long as I quickly realized Husband, coming from a family of 5 kids, agreed with my conviction. MAKE! We decided right then and there that we would trust God for the answers to "when" and "how many" if He lead towards marriage... which of course He did and here we are. Nine + months post marriage and still no baby (that we know of).   I can remember when we first started answering their questions and telling our decision. We got the same responses we still mainly get today .... Are you all crazy? Wait til you have a couple. What if you have 19 kids? Do you want your own TV show? Do you know how expensive kids are? You all will have a honeymoon baby. We're placing bets on when you'll announce you're pregnant. Let me send mine home with you for a day.  Better you than me.   Haha. I laugh as I write this. No worries, we're not offended. We know we're crazy. We don't live in the land of fairy tales where we are going to have 10 perfect children and never have a mess and always have the best clothes and always have dinner ready at 5pm. Like I said Husband came from a large family and I always wanted to have one. We know it's not the average.    The hard part is that because of our decision, it was assumed that we would have kids right away. Many have said to me, "if you're not preventing, you're trying." The assumption is that when you try you succeed within at least 3 months. But that's not our story.    I've felt all week like I was supposed to write this... but I've struggled with writing the plot without knowing the resolution. It's technically not considered "infertility" until you've tried for a year so it's not an "infertility blog." However, we also haven't reached the happy ending with it that I long to share. I've put this blog off thinking "maybe next month I'll have good news to tag on the end." But that's not what God was prompting me to do. Sometimes I think people need to see into the middle and wait for the ending together.    So to answer the questions...  We would LOVE to have a baby anytime the Lord sees that season is fitting.  Yes we are trying and yes thinking about kids.... a lot.  No we are not pregnant yet that we know of and I'm glowing because I love Jesus and He's doing so much in my life (I also have a pretty spectacular man to do life with).  We don't know physically why we're not pregnant yet but we do know that it's just not God's timing (but that doesn't always make it easier... for the record).  Thanks for thinking we'll be great parents, we hope we'll become some soon!  It's definitely on our agenda... waiting for it to be on God's.  We are open to advice but please don't be offended if we don't take it.  I don't know how you classify trying too hard but after talking with many moms who were in my boat, I don't think we're going to truly want it any less.  I over-analyze way too much to ever not expect it.  Yes, we've prayed about it... a lot.  No, it's not consuming our marriage. We are loving the "trying" season while soaking up the season of roller coasters, motorcycle rides, and snuggles in our full size bed (that won't last long once I'm pregnant).    Oh and I think I mentioned we're "crazy."  We can't wait to have a couple, or more.  I don't know how we'd managed 19 kids but I know if God gave them to us we'd give it our best at raising them in truth and sending out 19 new disciples.  We have no desire for a TV show but I'm a huge fan of the Duggars!  We do know kids are expensive... but we also know that God provides for us and He will provide for them. We also know that money is relative... you spend what you have.  We obviously didn't have a honeymoon baby and I hope you all got all your bet money back haha.  We would gladly take yours for the day (just ask)!  Lastly, we are totally thrilled about the possibility of a packed full house of blessings from the Lord!     To give you a little insight of where we are right now:  It's the last few days before we will know yes or no this month.  Any woman who's wished for a baby for more than a month can relate.  I start getting emotional, giddy, sad, hopeful, anxious, and scared all at the same time.  My mind hops from thought to thought... Don't get your hopes up.... Be hopeful....You're only going to be let down....Believe God can answer your prayer.... which is a whole other battle.  I pray for God's will whatever that is.  I pray believing He has the power to give us life whenever He chooses.  I pray knowing He's good and He loves me.  I pray that He'll bless us with a sweet sweet little one.  I pray He'll give me the right heart no matter the outcome.  I pray He gives me a thankful heart. I  pray that He'll give me great compassion for women who've waited much longer than this,  wisdom for those who wait with me,  and grace for complaining pregnant women.  I pray that He'll help me be strong but not hardened in this process.  I pray that through it all He will be glorified.   It's those last few day before the know.  The ones I hate but love at the same time.  The ones that make me want to run take a test right now.  The ones where pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms all seem the same.  The ones that allow me to hope that this might be our month.  The ones that torture me with the reality it might not be.  The ones I could look back on in a week and say how did you miss the signs.  The ones I could look back on in a week and say why did you fool yourself.  The ones that drive me crazy and then I drive Husband crazy.  The ones where he demontrates his loving patience with me.  The ones where I obsess over kid stuff on pinterest and dream of a possible due date.  The ones where I imagine how we could tell those we love.  The ones where I must choose to believe God's beautiful plan will all make sense in the end.   Maybe you've asked me these questions or maybe you had no idea. Either way please know I don't mind people asking and I love that people care so much. If you haven't been praying for us to have a little Miller baby and praying is something you do, please join our prayer circle. If you have been, thank you.... seriously... thank you. Please don't think I write this for sympathy... many women I know personally have waited 10x longer than we have. This is simply how I process and I like for others to understand.    By the way .... you don't have to stop asking us about the future Miller babies... we love talking about them. I do ask one favor though... please don't ask me next week if we're pregnant.  If we aren't pregnant you'll send my hormonal, baby-craving self into a spiralling, crying madness. And trust me, if we are .... We'll tell you as soon as we are able to share!    Thanks for sticking with me in my in between story.... it's nice to know I have friends here.   P.S: If you have struggled or are struggling with infertility, I'd love to hear your story, add you to my baby prayer list, or simply enjoy knowing I'm not the only one. For private messages email me at brandymillerwriting@gmail.com